Allie (Guess the Last Name) in The Barrens

I hope you enjoyed the palette cleanser I provided earlier: the two old Youtube videos.   At least this time, it's actually about a film.

I finally watched The Barrens (2012) earlier today.  Can't believe it eluded me for this long.

Synopsis: Stephen Moyer (True Blood) plays a man who takes his family, somewhat captive, on a camping trip.  His son is an angel.  His daughter is rebellious and uppity.  His wife is loving yet doubtful.  He brings them to a very secluded spot to set up camp.  He progressively has worse and worse visions and behaves accordingly.  Dead bodies and other weird, freaky sites show up.  Possible explanations: he's just crazy or he's got rabies.  He claims there's an actual monster out there.  Is there or isn't there and who will live?

But really, it's all about Allie.    

I've beefed up Sureilla to be Shrewsureilla.  She'll need it to face off against the Jersey Devil, who thankfully headed to Ontario for filming before returning to Jersey to continue its proper reign of terror.  And now for the super serious, highly analytical performance breakdown.

Lighting up cigarette with a candle.  Badass.

"People always say cigarettes are bad for you.  They got it all wrong.  I am bad for cigarettes!  I am bad for smoke.  They don't dare fuck with me."

Waving smoke away.  (Yeah, that's gonna work...)

"Wax on, wax off?"  Miyagi's granddaughter next to you? 

Clearing smoke away. (Because that always works).

You just love Ralph Macchio.  Don't you? 

Dysfunctional Stepdaughter of My Dreams

Not the worst date movie on the door there.

Wielding a very sexy, deadly weapon.

Officer:  Excuse me, miss.  Do you have a permit to carry that?  If not, I'm gonna have to arrest you and confiscate the weapon.

Very gestural.

I think I've found my male-fashion template.  The rastacap is pushing it, though.

Where's Scott Unfried when you need him?

Allie's trademark frown face and eye rolling.  Will this ever get old?

Awesome brother-sister dynamic.

What is she so freaked about?

 

Oh, that.  Pretty freaky, alright.

Showing shoulder in the rain.

 A rain-soaked woman is one of my fetishes. 

Phone handling in the rain.  Woman on the left wondering why can't she be held like that?

When shit gets scary, I get comfortable.

So yeah, the best, oldest rule in horror.  Where there's horror, you've gotta show skin.  Keep it interesting for the killers and monsters.  Truly, very generous.

Look how comfortable I am, bitches!

 More like Ontario, California than Ontario, Canada.  Or more like the Jersey Shore.

Damn, I had to put back on all those clothes!

I'll carry you if it helps.

Abject terror.

Yeah, she's reacting to the possibility of her little brother having drowned to death.  Nothing funny here.  

Taking instructions with laser beam focus.  She's got a future as a pro wrestler if she wants it.  Shrewsureilla, anyone?

Park Ranger:  Excuse me, miss.  We don't allow lasers around the trees, you know.  It could cause fires.

And the winner of this year's Sexy While Scared Sweater Wearer Prize.

If only looks could kill. And wait: deadly hand weapons, laser eyes, and a prize-winning sweater look, all belonging to superstar wrestler, Shrewsureilla.  I'm more worried about the Jersey Devil.

A little wider, please.  And tilt your chin up.

No place can be barren with Allie MacDonald.  Unless she's by herself.  Then that's just sad.